lenore

uuurrrgghhhh....

'Tis a day for prose....
badly written of course, as usual.

Betrayed by the gift of hope,
Knowledge pierces the strongest armor,
It is through the steeling of my heart.
Her love melts things much harder than that.
--(think I was feeling a little alone for this one)

Beyond the granted domains lies the freedom of awareness.
Responsibly gathering the knowing of life, creating injustice.
For every action, a price. Every opportunity calls out Doom.
Grant us the peace to accept our limits, for love lies with Death.
Of the greatest virtues, contentment is Key. Discretion follows.
Blessed are they who deny their deepest passions. Faith.
Rewarded, when the vision goes no farther than one's grasp.
To reach for the future and hope for more and better is a false life.
Acceptance and innocence are keys to a life well lived.
--(i liked the awkwardness of this, with just a hint of cynicism)


*oh, and of course, this is something being worked on for a series I'm trying to do*
.
Within just a few short words, I am confounded. My thoughts plunged into turmoil, chaos. Such a disruptive, distracting, and delightful deviation for me. Try as I might to bring my thoughts and feelings into some kind of control, or even stability, I lose my footing and fall headlong into your influence.
..
The smallest gesture a sublime exposition of grace. A slight smile becomes a brilliant beacon of hope and inspiration. Each little movement, inflection of voice, tilt of your head, and step of your foot is unique; a testament of your individuality. It is these minute and beautiful details which I can't not be but entranced by. I'm aware of every shading of tone in your voice, the fall and sway of your hair, the shine in your eyes as you laugh and the glitter when you giggle.
...
The twitch of your fingers betray your nervousness, the subtle change of posture when I say something that pleases you. The way you turn away slightly when I disappoint seems such the most terrible punishment for my obvious lack of thought and wisdom. Forever I shall strive to redeem myself to you. And then comes the smile again, a glorious and sacred balm to heal and forgive.
....
My heart is not my own, having lost it so long ago, only to find it resting peacefully in your hands. There is fear and uncertainty, bravery and nobility. In all that I do, I hope for some sign of approval, not with a need for it, but a desire for you to reach out to me with your heart.
.....
For love is to be shared and nurtured, given wings to fly as high as possible, and provided gentle hands if it should fall. Give it a voice so that it can express itself and a home in which to live. And forever will my love be yours.
--(i dare you to guess the theme, 'tis a tricky one methinks;)



There be three more for the series that I've got roughed out, nothing too remarkable, but it's progress.
Collapse )

And my folly is ended here. even more trash talk to come, beware. be aware. hehe
  • Current Music
    My Chemical Romance
lenore

'nother new one

5 Things

About you.
I try to think on what I find most appealing
Most satisfying.
Yet I stumble.
I fall.
Losing myself in memory, thought, feeling.
About you.
I see so many things.
I cannot choose.

Then I see myself, your eyes my mirror.
I'm as the Fool, heedless and free.
Faith and Delight, my only guides and needs.

Strength and courage, are with the happiness I find in even the briefest touch.
Determination towards growth and trust in your Heart and Truth.

I'm nourished and uplifted, for the very air vibrates with life.
When I see you not, whether by obstruction or inattention, I know you are near.
For even without sight, sound, or touch, individuality is made clear.

Then.
You speak.
Never has the essence of all existance been made more pure and heartfelt.
Song of the nightingale, whispering chatter of the stream, the sigh of windblown leaves in Fall.
All pale in Beauty.

I cannot choose.
  • Current Music
    morning traffic
lenore

Managing Meta-evolutionary Ideals

So. I'm back from the frontier regions of my own fractured mind. Definately someplace that not a vacation destination. In other words, I guess I've needed to do some emotional and mental re-evaluation, which seems to have happened without my conscious awareness. This doesn't trouble me as much as the fact that when done, my subconscious decided to bypass my waking mind and just insert the emotional and psychic backlash consequences directly into my life. I guess I deserved it, for not keeping on top of all those little maintenance things one must constantly do to keep the metaphysical being clean and healthy.

I do however have a greater respect for the physical manifestations of a primarily psycho-emotional imbalance. Not that I'm saying I'm crazy; well, not anymore than I generally am. I'm just saying. Ya' know?

Strange developments in the general circumstances of my life. I seem to have quite a few girls here that consider me to be a pretty good friend, and even with that, perhaps because of it, I am constantly challenged to grow beyond what I currently am. I have found that I possess a certain passably helpful knowledge of herbs in a theraputic and medicinal sense. Nothing quite so much as to call myself an herbalist yet, but it seems that I am making this into a path I wish to become proficient in. I may even, in time, gain a useful and productive skill.

There is much that I still hope for, even more that I had thought previously, and of course I doubt that I'll be able to do it myself. Yet that's why I try to maintain my friendships to such a degree. Even then I seem to fall lax from time to time, much to often for my comfort. And even with the occasional drifting, my friends seem to understand and still view me as someone worth knowing.

I think that's all for this self-deprecating entry. I have found the cathartic foothold I needed. Thanks LiveJournal. And I'm sorry to all you who actually read this crapola of mine. I hope it's even a bit entertaining. Later, taters.
  • Current Music
    My Entire Techno Collection
lenore

patriotic

Denial of ones truest self is the
Only sin. The lies of comfort and
Virtue invade the soul, blinding one
To the knowledge of our grand
Ambition. To create a world as
Strong as our soul, and as beautiful
As the hand that shapes it.

Rage is our gift of power to those that
Confine us. Within a cage of beautiful
Dreams and a reality that defies all
Truth, we strive only to placate those
Who hide. From life, our truth is known
And by our actions are we proof of
Life.

Speak of truth and righteous anger and
Of all the world you make a hated foe.
By this we will be known and from this
We are given our due. Of the cause of
Strife we are given to know it's source,
And the remedy is beyond our logic.
Alone and useless.

Life bound with fear and mistrust, a
Garden rife with brambles and dust.
One small breeze gives rise to curtains of
Amber and purple blinders of lust. Thus
We find within our morals a core of decay,
And upon our honor a tarnish of rust.

This is how in the race of humans, of
A kind, we fall short of our given label
Of civilized, as a nation.
  • Current Music
    starwars battlegrounds
rudeums

lost and found

Yesterday, I awoke and must admit I felt a little different. I knew the probable outcome of the election, and I wasn't all that surprised by the results. I figured that there would be some kind of lack of divine justice in this election, and I'm oddly reassured that my intuition was right. Perhaps the next few years will finally show the American people how important it is to look beyond the obvious to see the available options.

I myself did not vote, this was a conscious decision. I have never voted in an election, for I do not agree with the practice of deciding the fate of govenment based on the politics of a person. I've had this view of politics most of my life, basically since I came to understand the nature of politics. There are many things one looks at when choosing a leader, and even I can see the lack of character and wisdom in these men looking for a governmental position. Do I think I have a right to complain about the results of this election and the job this misguided and delusional man will do during his presidency? Of course I do, because despite the lack of choice I had in being born a citizen of this country, I would rather be a citizen here that anywhere else. As a citizen I have the right to have the opinions I choose to.

We are now considered to be a country at war. This is kind of an iffy statement to make, for there must be a certain consensus among the populace as to the desire for war. From most of what I've read and hear, the majority of this country would rather we kept our soldiers to ourselves. In fact, many feel that we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for our president and his predecessors. Despite all this there are too many factors to place the blame squarely on any one person. I don't feel the need to find the reasons why, that's for other to do.

I'm more concerned with the reaction to the election results. For that Wednsday morning I went into town to get coffee before I had to work. I was most amazed by the fact that I could mostly only feel my own emotions, for that doesn't happen often for me. The concern comes in that the town was shocked, numb, and wandering in a haze of disbelief for most of the day. Many people were so much saddened by the results that they were weeping for the fate of the nation. I'll not say this was a little extreme or overdramatic, in fact I'd say it was entirely appropriate. The fact is most people I know were so hurt by the re-election of Bush, that they weren't sure how to express it. Therefore there were those that had to respond for themselves and those around them. It was a day of mourning for all I met, and there too was a note of fear and uncertainty about the future of this nation. All politics aside, the factual events of Bush's previous four years are definately something to be concerned about. If this is the example of a person who was a little concerned with keeping his job for another four years, it's a little worrying to think about what he'll do now that he's not concerned about running again.

The effort is to make this a Christian country, "one nation under God" and all that crap. Of course that is totally overlooking the fact that quite a portion of this country's population aren't christians, and don't wish to be confined to the supposedly 'superior' ethics and morals of their religion. Ethics and morals which the majority in their religion only give respect to one day out of the week. Those that try to show they live as a good christian are also those are trying to find greater exposure and political gain.

This is all just an excercise in futility though I'm sure. I can't really make a good point in this area. Not yet anyway. I have six or seven more years to work on it, luckily. lates ya'll.
  • Current Music
    Lacuna Coil
lenore

ephemery

I went to sleep, that was the last thing I remember, being in my bedroom with all that is familiar to me. I drifted off as I usually do, expecting to wake repeatedly during the night, as usual. Yet when next I came back to myself, I felt as if the sleep of ages was taken off of me, wooden of mind and disoriented. I was standing at one end of a great stonework arena, a stout three-foot sword in my left hand.

My right hand, fingers spread wide, was creating a wide fan of lightning, which was making short work of a well organized column of warriors that were approaching me with weapons at the ready. Looking up I saw a hail of arrows and bolts falling from the sky, the target of all was my own self. As confused as I was, it seemed that I was still just a passenger within my own body. For then the hand which was crisping the approaching army turned to fist the air infront of me, aimed at the missles in flight. These same weapons of death changed course and began to drop directly earthward, right into the blood-maddened host befor me. They fell in droves, dozens of dozens falling dead to the ground.

Next I saw was a bright light, white and pulsing, rainbows of colors scintillating throughout. It seemed an eternity in which I drifted in this blindingly clear light. And sudden darkness came with the awakening of what I wasn't at first sure was dream or reality. In a bed, walls that seemed at once comforting and frighteningly alien surrounding me. This was the portent that reached me when the Veil began to thin, what seems like ages ago. just a dream I'm sure.


Then there was the one where I was Osiris. And I was there at my death when I was cut to pieces and scattered to all corners of the land. I only had the breifest impression of my Queen when I awoke. This is not normal dreaming for me. What I wonder is, who is the one that is my Isis. Who would have the love and loyalty to search the land, the highest and lowest, from paradise to the wastes of the lost lands, to save me and bring me back to life? I doubt this is the reason for the dream, yet I wonder none the less. For I am selfish and egotistical. I am not humble or modest. I dreamed I was the leader of one of the most powerful pantheons our world knows of.

At least I died. fits with the season I guess.
  • Current Music
    mixed cd in progress
lenore

fate or chemical imbalance

so, I was sitting in a little coffee shop writing a letter to my bestest friend ever, and I got this strange feeling. It just washed over me from the top of my head down to my toes. I'd say it was electric or warm or something like toast left to moisturize in a hot bowl of oatmeal, it was an interesting, unique and not unpleasent sensation. I felt like someone was thinking of me, or thinking to me. It felt familiar. Then the fairy came and was dancing under the table of some girls a bit away from me. I knew then who it was, and I was happy, the girls at the table thought I was looking at them so they started smiling at me. I found a stopping place in my letter and got out of there and went straight to the library, where I am writing this right now. I checked my email, and what did I see? An email from one of my best friends, sent to me at around the time I felt the warm oatmeal sensation. I was immediately happy. Was this a manifestation of psychic ability, or just a random occurance of chemical instability?

I prone to thinking that it was a psychic event, however I'm also incredibly deluded in may different areas of mental and emotional consideration. I think I'm deluded anyway, my reason for this is that I think I'm deluded. Of course I also think I'm right, in everything I say and do, for I get no resistance to my ideas, opinions, or actions. So what am I to think? Not that I'd really let anyone else do my thinking for me, because what if they are more deluded than I am? Of course this might be a moot point, that is if we are all just imaginary figures in some really crazy, deluded person's dream. If that's the case, we'd all have to try hard to keep this weirdo asleep, for I like this crazy, mixed-up, wacko place. I mean, think of all the intoxicants we have to play around with, what can be better than such a selection of awarness altering substances, most of which are legal. I'm gone though, just totally, cosmically gone.

lates, ya'll.
  • Current Music
    mental rumblings of the library patrons
lenore

(no subject)

I went to a Boy Scout thing tonight. It's called a Court of Honor, it's where the boys are given the awards and recognition for all they had accomplished since the last Court of Honor. I used to be a boy scout, to a degree I think I still am. I know that I had learned much while I was active with them, and now I find that part of me wishes I were back involved with this program. I could tie myself to this organization and work to help these boys and young men to become better members of society. Yet I also fear this impulse. Because I don't think that I'd easily give up on these boys once I started working with them again, and I know I'd be torn between what I want to do to help them, and what I need to do to help all the others. I know my choice, the things I need to do must always come first. Still, the want to help is still there, because I see parts of my mind in these boys, they haven't been twisted into the strange point of view that most of society seems to thing men should be. I would not want them to follow that path. I would make more nice guys? Then the girls would have that much more choice. It's only a small thing though.

Perspective. That is what I have more than anything else. That is what I fear losing, for if I did, would I be able to do the things I do? My awareness of life and the world around me would be impacted. Negatively I'm sure. Yet is there any growth if one's sense of perspective isn't challenged, if you don't risk it at times? I'm all about change and evolution, yet I do find that I fear what may come quite frequently. I perservere and win through, yet it is always with that almot paralyzing sense of fear, always at the point where I know I could change my mind, the last chance to be safe. I will never be safe again, will I.

Thus ends this lament. Just before the point of death I'm sure. I've been more fascinated by the death concept recently. Not sure if it's that healthy.
  • Current Mood
    curious curious
lenore

(no subject)

garrraaahhhhh... I'm so tired. I was walking around in the wilderness almost all day today. I woke up at 4:30 this morning, and now it's 10:13. I got home about an hour and a half ago. Why? 'cause it's huntin' season. didn't shoot anything today, and I don't plan on it. I just like walking around in the woods trying to see if I can sneak up on these incredibly observant and aware animals. I managed to spook three bucks, two does, and a couple of elk. Not that I was in any place to take a shot if that were my goal, truthfully, I was almost as startled as they were. I get to go out again tomorrow, and then try to get back to Durango to work on Mon. morning. Sometimes I just don't understand why I do these things to myself. It was a good day with my brothers and my father though. That hardly ever happens. When we're all together anyway. Not too much interesting happening to me right now. I'm looking for another part-time job, 'cause I needs the money.

I'm planning on getting a place of my own. I know my family will let me hang around as long as I need, but I know I can't do the things I need if I'm with them so much. In fact the amount of time I spend with family is gonna get less and less. It's a needful thing, and I'm working through some guilt issues of my own in this respect. Truthfully my family won't have any big part in the major events of my life. So, I'll distance myself while living in the same area, it's gonna be very confusing for them, but I guess they'll just have to adjust. seems callous, but that might just be the guilt speaking.

On a much cooler note, my work place has gotten itself a website. A place where those that are interested in the herbal alternatives to modern medicine can go to get their products. The shop I work at is called Hummingbird Herbals, and it's one of the most incredible places I've ever worked. The possibilities for theraputic uses of herbs is incredible. I'll not try to convince any of those who doubt, it's enough that people know there are alternatives.

The site address is www.hummingbirdherbals.com also, there is a special code for this new phase of growth of ours. It's a code that will give a bit of a discount on your first order. I think this code will be good for a month or two. the code is grandweb

I provide this because I like people to have options. And I wish for this website to do well, the woman who owns the shop is wonderful, she's an incredible herbalist and a really cool person. I'm not sure how this all ties together, if it even does. I'm very tired, and will be even more so tomorrow. I'll leave this here, and hope everyone enjoys the coming week.
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted
lenore

(no subject)

ok, so then, the 1.75 liters is gone, and has been for quite awhile. I just remembered to tell you so. Unfortunately this didn't happen today, I was just wondering outloud, in text, on the internet. Where I had thought, once upon a time, that nobody read my journal. Yet I got some comments on the depressed alcoholic post, and I thank thee my friends. I shall ask Her to grant you all a magnificent boon, for my karma is depressingly in the positive right now, and I need balance. However, there is another, full, 1.75 liter that I have been wondering about. It could be a wonderful experiment, though I'd rather have the toadflax ready for that particular thing first. I doubt even my will would be strong enough to avert that size of hangover, I'd need some help. I haven't boozed like that in such a long time, perhaps I'm overdue? Time will tell I guess. And I much prepare for that day. So I begin training. Yes. It's all becoming clear to me now. I have a divine mission. To get plastered and see how quickly I can recover using the knowledge that I have aquired. The Muses are with me!! I can hear them speaking to me. I can see their lights of inspiration. They hide my keys so that I may not leave without true understanding. Of course I just might be too drunk to remember where I put them. Not likely, but it has happened before.

Oh, and I woke up at this girl's house last week, her boyfriend too me out for coffee and breakfast that morning. Is my life just a joke or what? I must be blessed.
  • Current Music
    Random Saturday Night Sounds